19 Sep A Letter to Me
Or should I say Hey You, You Escaped Alien from Proxima Centauri and Descendant from a Species of Apes that Never Existed,
What’s Up? Yes, Yes, I know what your answer will be – the sky, the temperature in Delhi, and the pitch of those TV reporters who make a light drizzle sound like a torrential storm that is evidence of God’s wrath on mankind! I hate that question as much as you do. But I just thought you may know how to answer it better than me. How does this work anyway? Me talking to you, who in reality is me. Am I supposed to refer to me as ‘me’ or as ‘you’? And if I am me, who are you? And if you are me and me is, of course, me then (once again) who are you? At the end of it, who am I talking to? Me or you?
You understand my predicament, right? I’ve never written a letter to myself earlier. It’s strange, this writing a letter to oneself. How does one go about it? Is it a monologue, only written to a younger version of me? Or is it a letter just like any other, only the recipient is me? Why do I need to write a letter then? Can I just think those thoughts to myself and be done with it? Thoughts, now that is something I can fill pages and pages with. Random, meaningless, thoughts that start at one end of the spectrum and never end. Like this letter seems to be… Now you know why I am so confused?!
There’s a lot I have to say, though. And I am only doing it now because the moment of this decision is behind me. Also, because I am feeling like the descendant of the fearsome Godzilla so I’m baring my heart out without fear of judgement. Hopes, disappointments, fears, foolish decisions, regrets all make it to this blog. How healthy is it, I am yet to discover. As of now, it seems to be another foolish decision, like many before it. But then that’s a thing of the past, isn’t it?
I’ve managed to put some bad decisions behind me. Only recently am I starting to develop this ability to let go. Only recently have I learned not to brood about the mistakes I make or worse still, regret the ones I didn’t make. Because if I don’t do that, If I don’t stop regretting, it’s going to suck at me like a leech and draw out all the blood.
Some of these were things that I had no say in. Some were very much against my wishes and I went ahead and did them anyway. And yet others were inspite of my better judgement. All of them were beyond my control.
One such regret that keeps haunting me and which I now struggle to rectify is – not taking enough risks. They say take risks because more than the things you did, you’ll regret the ones you didn’t do.
Strangely, for me it mostly the other way round, a result of those foolish decisions. I often look back and regret the things I did. I keep reminding myself that I’ve done things I probably should not have. Falling in love with the wrong person, opting for the easier alternative, living my life in an attempt to please others and so on and so forth. And that’s why I used to consider this adage incorrect.
However, it is only when I sit down and think hard that I realize that I do regret the things I did not do. I admit that I took some risks. A few times, I opted for the unconventional route too. Some of these decisions I do regret, but the rest are about things I didn’t do and now wish I’d done them earlier.
I didn’t jump into writing earlier.
I didn’t quit my job in favour of pursuing my passions earlier.
And the biggest of them all – I didn’t pursue my interest in acting when I could have. I still regret that most of all. There, it is out in the open now.
I wish I could rectify that. I wish I could go back into the past and change my decisions, pursue the various things that I like. Like Travelling or Acting or Directing, for example.
I want to stop brooding; want to let go of the past. Whatever mistakes I made, whatever risks I missed taking, or whatever foolish decisions I made are all a thing of the past and hence, need to be shoved in the back of the cupboard.
Because I am here now, and what I do now and how I use the moment is only dependent upon me. Whatever I could not or did not do is a lost opportunity. I will instead explore other possibilities and opportunities.
I have not lost hope. No, siree! Neither has my enthusiasm to think up of new ideas to pursue what I love lessened. I can and will learn new skills in whatever way I can. I can and will explore other options never tried before. I may not still be able to do all the things but I shall manage to do some and I shall derive satisfaction from just that much too.
It’s going to be an exciting life. And I will have lesser regrets. I will shrug my past away, wipe the regrets, and live each moment trying to achieve my dreams in whatever way I can. But then again, the fact that I am writing to you (or is it me?! Still figuring that one out.) means that it is still troubling my mind somewhere. Let’s drop this for now. Focus on the present; live in the moment; make the most of now.
Until then, be good, love yourself, and live each moment fully.
Your Past, Present, and Future ME!
I want to take my Alexa Rank to the next level with My Friend Alexa.