For my new feature Spotlight, I’ve invited my favourite humor writer and friend Anand over to write the first one for Wandering Soul. Anand is an amazing humorist/caricaturist who blogs at Anand’s Parodies & Caricatures. To those who don’t know him already, you sure are missing something. Head there now and also do subscribe to his amazing humor magazine here. (Psssttt…. It’s free!)
So, when I handed over the reins to him, little did I know what he would come up with. Apparently, he has managed to do the unthinkable! Without giving away much, here’s presenting Anand.
Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Find me a Match – An interplanetary quest for the right life partner!
Incredible things aren’t things that happen to me.
But this morning, the status-quo changed.
This morning, when I was out jogging, I turned the corner near the park and came upon an alien!
We looked at each other and shrieked!
I shrieked in Hindi, and he shrieked in alienese. He stood no taller than three feet from the ground in heels and somewhat heavyset in frame; these two signs were enough for me to conclude that he might’ve arrived on earth from a high-gravity planet and his five feet high jump that accompanied his shriek, confirmed my conclusion.
“Youuuuu…uuuummmaann?” he pointed a shaky finger at me. I looked closely and realized that he had just one finger and a thumb, so he was pointing a whole shaky hand at me.
“Youuuuu…aaalienn?” I shook a heavy and hirsute Punjabi fist at him. Aliens weren’t welcome in my colony. Come to think of it, if it was left to the egotistical retirees that lived here, dogs, cats, birds, even lowly humans of the programmer-ilk would face a restraining order, signed by the retired judge who heads this platoon of mad homeowners!
I heard some whirring and clicking while the alien rolled his lone eye in all directions before focusing it on me once again. I trust he went looking for “Learn English in Five Seconds for Dummies!” on a futuristic alien version of Google because now he spoke impeccable English.
“Anand, are you human?” he asked.
Anand?
What the heck?! How did he know my name?
But before I could ask, he quirked his single brow at me. “Yes, Are you?”
“You mean, “a human” or “human”?” I replied, countering his question with a question. When you’ve just written a post inviting the Grammarians of the world to come after you with a hatchet, you become a nasty nitpicker yourself.
“Take it how you will. But if you are human, you’ll help me find a bride,” he said with a snarky smirk on his non-existent lips.
Now that changed the complexion of things somewhat. The guy was here to find a bride, so he came in peace. And I knew someone who was just right for him. Anand, why not play the matchmaker? A small voice in my head asked. Why not? I answered back. Going by alien standards, this guy was pretty good looking – and for all I knew he could be a billionaire businessman in his world. You can’t expect a pauper to book a seat on a spacecraft and go planet-hopping in search of a bride, can you?
“I think I might know someone who’s just right for you. Let us talk about it over a cup of tea,” I said, extending my hand.
His fingerless hand closed over mine in a confident grip. Why. He might as well be a Punjabi alien, I thought – and they couldn’t come better than that.
Our conversation over tea spanned a wide range of topics. We discussed his family, his job, his interests, and more than everything else, we discussed his culture. Because a marriage doesn’t just unite two hearts, it unites two families; and before I took his proposal to Piyusha’s father, I needed to know everything about him.
Over a cup of tea and a bowl of cashew nuts, he came to the point and produced a piece of paper from a pocket that I could swear wasn’t there on his stomach just minutes ago.
“My friends think she’s the girl for me,” he said, pointing to Piyusha’s likeness that was published in the third issue of the QSM Magazine.
“What?” I spluttered. “Your friends subscribe to the QSM Magazine?” I asked, bewildered.
“Oh, it’s quite a rage on our planet. But let us talk about more important matters. This girl? You think she’d be interested in me?”
I was speechless. The match-making was already underway.
“Well. I don’t see why not. It’s evident that she dreams of you,” I said, a little cautiously perhaps.
“What I like best is that she’s got two eyes!” he exclaimed.
“And that fuzzy thing on her head…” he added.
“That’s her hair,” I replied, puzzled.
“Out of fashion on our planet,” he mused. “Do you think she’ll be willing to…say emulate my style?”
We talked and talked…
But I’ll tell you about it later…
Right now, it will please you to learn that the alien is asleep in the box that Amazon delivered  wifey’s exerciser in. He’s going to stay with us until the D-day, for I am sure, Piyusha’s family wouldn’t be able to refuse the fingerless hand of my rich alien friend for their naajo-ki-pali bitiya-rani.
Gotta go. Wifey wants to know if our alien guest would like Aloo ke paranthe for breakfast.
Translations for Piyusha’s phoren-visitors:
naajo-ki-pali bitiya-rani: a daughter who’d been brought up like a princess.
Aloo ke paranthe: a tortillish fried bread-form stuffed with spicy-potato filling – best eaten piping hot the moment it leaves the pan and lands on your plate. Usually relished with a side dish of curd (a less creamy form of yogurt!)
QSM on the Web:
————————-
- The QSM Magazine Online:Â The QSM Magazine
- My blog at:Â http://artflowsinmyveins.wordpress.com
- QSM Magazine’s FB page at: http://facebook.com/qsm-magazine
- My twittering-self:Â http://twitter.com/artflows
Oh! This is epic. I hope there will be a followup story. 🙂
Only Anand can answer that one, Deb 🙂 I sure hope so, especially to know what happens to me, next 😀
Exactly!:-)
Deb, I am hurt and so I might go all vengeful and not share rest of the story. My alien guest and I, both are still trying to find an answer to the question – Why Piyusha didn’t share Mr. Alien’s picture? I can understand why she didn’t share my picture. She obviously didn’t want the ladies to swoon over it. But why not his? He’s been asking me whether she’s really interested. After all, he is considered a handsome hunk of a guy in his world!
Mmm…maybe it’s because she want him all to herself? Because I sure would have swooned!
LOL… Error rectified since . 🙂 Pics now up 🙂
🙂
Her heart melted and she updated the post with him image…and mine too. Do let us know who made you swoon.
Oh, Piyusha, will you agree to meet this alien, if only to find out why hair is out of fashion?
I don’t mind at all, Leena 😛 If being bald is in fashion, I am all for it 😀 Even if it is in space. More so, considering the rate at which mine are falling out, I may not have a choice soon 😀
That’s great. Even so, knowing why hair is unfashionable would tell us a lot about the culture. I so know what you mean about the hair loss. I have the same problem:)
Very well then, when should I book my tickets? I assume I am invited for the wedding? Can I bunk with you Piyu? 😀
Anand – would you dare enough to ask Wifey if she would maybe consider making some of those piping hot Aloo ke paranthe for me when I visit? 😛
She loves making stuffed paranthas of all kinds to stuff our unsuspecting guests with…so I don’t suppose there will be any trouble.
That’s good to know. So I’m all set food from your wifey and lodging with Piyusha! 🙂
Delhiiiiii here I come!
I won’t recommend that you forego the alien-delicacies that will be served in Piyusha’s wedding feast in favor of wifey’s paranthas – after all, it’s going to a once in a lifetime opportunity. (I’ve come to know that she’s been collecting recipes from her potential alien groom’s planet.)
Piyusha, I am wondering why you didn’t share our alien visitor’s picture with your visitors? Already feeling possessive? I know my picture can be a bit too much for them to handle, but I am sure they’d want to look at the guy who traveled light-years to find you 😀
Missed it. After reading your post, I could think of nothing else but to quickly share it with others. Sorry! Shall update it now 🙂
Reblogged this on Anand's Parodies & Caricatures. and commented:
Piyusha Vir, the awesome humorist who we might soon lose to another planet in the galaxy, gave me an opportunity to write a post for her blog. While I was still twiddling my thumbs trying to come up with an idea for the post, inspiration bumped into me in the form of an alien visitor who was on earth looking for a suitable match.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I request you to head over to her blog tell her how much you miss seeing a picture of her prospective groom. (I had snapped one and sent it over, but her shyness (or could it be possessiveness) has prevented her from sharing it on the blog.)
Thank you, have fun, go wild and come at me with your claws out and daggers drawn!
Thanks for doing the guest post, Anand! Enjoyed having you over. 🙂
Ah, only Anand come write such a post! I can hardly wait to see the follow-up. If he wants you to have a picture of your proposed groom, why not get him to do one of his wonderful drawings, hmmmm?
Barb that’s exactly what’s left her alien suitor and me heartbroken. I’ve already sent her his picture! She just doesn’t want the other ladies to look at him, I suppose. What if one of you fell for his awesome looks?
Oh, I swooned! I double swooned. Piyusha, you got yourself a catch!:-)
He’s a fine-looking alien, that’s for sure. I think you are very lucky, Piyusha. Er… could you stand over there for a moment?
Psst, Anand! Are you sure about this? Look at his hands. They obviously don’t have Playstations where he’s from.
Bun, the guy is seriously a goner. He holds her picture in his fingerless hands and sings romantic alienese songs…all I’ve been able to catch so far is ppppeeeeeyoooookkkhhhhaaaa…o’maaay ppppeeeeyoooookkkkkhhhhaaa. And don’t forget that it’s a matter of hearts not hands. I think we must applaud the match – and this one’s literally of made-in-heaven kind.
Well, if they both think the match is out of this world, I guess that’s good enough for me.
Bah! The guy can’t even pronounce my name properly … sounds more like peekey (meaning someone is drunk)
I was going to say, “Remember, nobody is forcing you into this!” Then I remember he might be a Jedi, so perhaps he is using the force against you. Take care!
Give the couple your blessings, Bun.
Thank god Bun’s on my side! If left to you, I would have been already packed of to outer space. Bun, save meeee!!!!!!! I am being kidnaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…….
Well, since your alien friend is holding his ray gun at my head as I type, the couple have my full blessings.
p.s. Please don’t atomize shoot me.
Bun, in India we have a saying, “Miya bibi raazi to kya karega quaazi?” If the groom and the bride are both ready for the marriage, why should anyone else try to meddle. (It’s a different matter that Indian parents cannot stop themselves from meddling in match-making for their children.) I think if Peeeeeeyoooooookkkkkkhhhhhaaaaa and Trrrroooooplllliiijjjaaaa have exchanged their hearts with each other, we shouldn’t stop them from exchanging vows.
What hearts! All I can see are blinking lights and whirring rotatory electronic parts.
Ah, I think exchanging hearts may be traditional with aliens. The use probes and thing to do it, don’t they? I think they may also exchange livers, kidneys and pituitary glands.
Piyusha, now please don’t start nitpicking. He tells me that he had mind-connected with your dad and discovered that if you asked your dad, you’d have his blessings too. When all his friends would be boasting about their daughters being in phoren, he’ll be boasting about his daughter being on another planet. Think how happy your dad would be…and say Yes to my awesome unieyed friend.
Lol.
The Male : Female ratio is already skewed on the earth in some places. And now aliens too are eyeing (if they have eyes) girls from earth . Omg!
Not that I am complaining Somali! By the looks of it, I don’t think my suitor would be an Earthling anyway! 😀
I have a feeling that once Piyusha lands on Trrrroooooplllliiijjjaaaa’s planet, there’ll be a mad rush for making alliances with humans. The ladies too will come looking for a match. I am thinking of starting an Interplanetary Matchmaking Service, once this alliance works out. It might be my way out of the rut…who knows. Stranger things have happened.
Best wishes for your new venture. I am sure you’ll give a stiff competition. to shaadi.com 😀
This is total riot of laughter. Totally enjoyed reading the post and additional bonus were the teasing remarks in comments section. Anand keep your eyes open may be you can still find someone better for Piyusha. 🙂
Yes! Thank you , Megha! Atleast someone understands my plight! 😛 😀
Teasing? Megha, thank you for pointing it out to me. I think you must be speaking of Bun’s remarks. I have a feeling he isn’t happy with the alliance. I mean, here I am building castles in the air, hoping to set up a whole new business as an interplanetary matchmaker, and people just can’t take it. What’s with people, eh?
If I dissapear (which I have a feeling, will happen soon) Megha, you will know who to blame.