Where Art Thou?

Republished for the purpose of this blogathon that is supported by Woo, The most popular match making app in India with a base of over 3.5 million users.”

Dear Future Husband,

How are you doing?

I am well and have been searching for you high and low. Where exactly are you hiding? Are you under the table or behind the curtains? Are you sitting inside the oven or in the attic?

Or are you on another planet altogether. (If so, please let me know so that I may walk across the galaxy and come visit you)

I ask because everybody and his second cousin three times removed and her hamster have been very worried about you and your existence. They say that if you haven’t surfaced yet, the chances of you doing so now seem remote.

Really, is that true? I am extremely offended by your behavior.

I am an awesome person, you know. I can achieve impossible feats. Here’s a list of things that I have actually managed to do –

  1. I had managed to put my foot in my mouth at the tender age of 2 months, and have done it again and again, everyday of my life now. I know for a fact that, that record remains unchallenged till date.
  2. I also speak Alienese, something that no real human has been able to do yet.
  3. Apart from the above two mind-numbing feats, I can also laugh like a hyena, a mad woman and a witch at the same time. Do you need a sample right now?
  4. I can talk nonsense for hours, without getting tired. Your ears would ache, and I still wouldn’t know. You would probably fall asleep, but I, would still keep at it. If you manage to stay awake, you may decide to walk away, in which case, I would be left staring at the wall, waiting for it to respond. But, I shall not complain ever.

It isn’t easy to get all this done at such a young age as mine. It takes a lot of practice, hard work, perseverance – sitting idle for hours without any distraction, talking to fictional characters intently and patiently waiting for them to reply. They take their own sweet time, you know.

I am also great at cooking. I keep trying new recipes occasionally, which you will get to sample before anyone else. You have the chance to tell me what is burnt, what is undercooked and what has excess salt. I wouldn’t dream of letting anyone do that before you have had the chance to sample my culinary delicacies. You, and only you, would be my guinea pig. And you absolutely must try the tea I brew. You would very happily spit it out as soon as you took a sip. For 15 years now, I have consistently made horrible tea. It takes great effort and practice to reach that level of perfection.

I am extremely focused and dedicated to whatever I do. You would be amazed at the confusion and chaos I create. Again, it takes a lot of will power to reach that level of unorganized perfection.

I am a great entertainer. I can outperform any donkey or monkey. Infact, even in my sleep.  You just need to say the magic word, “Sing” and I can come with the most outrageous sounds, unheard of in the history (as well as future) of Mankind. I can dance like no other mad woman (my dancing skills are even better than my laughing skills).

My beauty has no match. I can look like Medusa, even without putting on any prosthetics or make up. Infact, as soon as I wake up I look exactly like something the cat just dragged in.

I have no interest in frivoulous activities like shopping at local markets – looking for shoes, clothes, bags, or cosmetics etc. You would easily be able to save huge sums of money that I will, with great planning and calculation, spend in dining at expensive restaurants, staying at luxury hotels, travelling in Lamborghinis. Corvette would also do. Infact, I am quite accommodating that way, and would easily settle for BMW’s M6 also. If you can manage to get me K.I.T.T from the Knight Rider 2012 TV series, I will be quite content for the next 2 months and shall not asking you anything about your ex-girlfriends or your female colleagues and even your ogling would be forgiven.

I have my own list of minor and easily achievable expectations. It is only fair that you give me atleast equal if not more in return for what I do for you.

So, here’s a list of things that I would like.

You must be able to

  • look like Derek Shepherd,
  • think like Will McAvoy
  • sing and dance like … Me,
  • love and romance like Romeo,
  • make more than Bill Gates and Carlos Slim, combined.

I also, wouldn’t mind if you have exceptional mind reading skills like Edward Cullen (not that you would need it, considering I would anyway blurt out whatever’s on my mind).

Forgive me for saying this, but, it is extremely irresponsible of you to leave me alone in this fly infested world. I admit I am no damsel in distress but is it not your prerogative to slay all dragons and be my knight in shining armor! Until now, I can only see me being the dare-devil Empress in la la land.

Unlike you who has left me unprotected, I wouldn’t let any harm befall you. Infact, I would conscientiously protect you by scaring away all the flies and bumblebees, with my Ninja like moves, swishing and brandishing my shiny and scary peelers and butter knives. I cannot, however, say that I would do the same incase if mosquitoes were to approach you, since I am known to have lost many a fight against them.

I hope I have given you enough reasons to show up and marry me. I am lonely, you know. My four dogs, three cats, two parrots, one horse and one turtle are not enough to love, cherish and take care of me, in sickness and in health. I need you too, you see.

You know what? I shall take the higher ground here and forgive you. For not showing up until now. As long as you do so within the next 5 minutes.

If not, you may please sleep on the couch tonight. And tomorrow… And every other night. Until you learn your lesson and finally decide to marry me.

Until then… Take care. Eat Well.

Lots of love,

Your loving and thoughtful future wife!

Piyu caricature

Caricature Courtery Anand R

No Comments
  • mus.kins
    Posted at 21:27h, 11 November Reply

    Ah hahahaha 🙂 Oh goodness. This really made me laugh out loud. My favorite part:
    “And you absolutely must try the tea I brew. You would very happily spit it out as soon as you took a sip. For 15 years now, I have consistently made horrible tea. It takes great effort and practice to reach that level of perfection” This was so great and SO funny. Well done my friend.

    • Wandering Soul
      Posted at 21:33h, 11 November Reply

      Thank you so much! i was really nervous about this post.. was wondering how everyone will take it. I am so glad you liked it and that it made you laugh.

      • whatsandrathinks
        Posted at 03:22h, 12 November Reply

        It was awesome… it made me laugh. It almost made me want to go back to before I was married so I could write one of these! I suppose I could, but if my actual husband ever saw it, I think he’d be offended! 🙂

  • gigglingfattie
    Posted at 22:16h, 11 November Reply

    I was contemplating writing a letter to my future husband! I think I just might now. Hope you find your prince!

    • Wandering Soul
      Posted at 00:28h, 12 November Reply

      Please do. and share it with us 🙂

      • gigglingfattie
        Posted at 00:55h, 12 November Reply

        Maybe I can turn that into my blogging101 assignment for tomorrow! 🙂 since we are suppose to use one of our comments from today!

  • merrymoonchild
    Posted at 23:02h, 11 November Reply

    Hahahaah!! This was hilarious, I loved it! “I am extremely offended by your behavior.” Hahhaah!! Well done 🙂

  • lisamariagardiner
    Posted at 00:17h, 12 November Reply

    Love this 😁 I also hope you find him!

  • jessamayann
    Posted at 04:10h, 12 November Reply

    That was adorable! That hubby will have a lot to keep up with;) Funny job!

  • sassandsauce
    Posted at 05:17h, 12 November Reply

    I’m chuckling out loud! Loved the line about your constant ‘foot-in-mouth’ syndrome 🙂 Do you really have 4 dogs, 3 cats, turtles, parrots and a horse?

    • Wandering Soul
      Posted at 06:07h, 12 November Reply

      NOOO!!! that’s why its categorized in fiction! 🙂

      • sassandsauce
        Posted at 06:12h, 12 November Reply

        Ohh 🙁
        Would have been nice to have a horse.

        • Wandering Soul
          Posted at 06:15h, 12 November Reply

          You can keep me as your pet! i can neigh just as well as i can bray 😀

          • sassandsauce
            Posted at 07:00h, 12 November

            Haha! That’s a thought 😀 Well if you dress up in a horse costume or something..

  • Julie
    Posted at 09:35h, 12 November Reply

    Lovely! It sounds like your family and their hamsters are worried about your prospects – they shouldn’t!

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    Posted at 17:27h, 12 November Reply

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  • This Girl
    Posted at 19:57h, 17 November Reply

    Haha this is awesome! I loved how you handled it and your humor! I hope he shows up soon! Still searching for mine. Enjoying your blog!

    • Wandering Soul
      Posted at 02:45h, 18 November Reply

      All the best for your search ! 🙂 hope it ends soon

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  • JoAnna
    Posted at 01:02h, 25 November Reply

    I didn’t write a letter, but I had a list of characteristics. And I, too, kept loving company with animals as we waited. I imagined him being in the garage working and set a chair for him in the back yard. He found me when the time is right, and you can read more on my about page. We are getting ready to celebrate our 3rd wedding anniversary right before I turn 60! Have faith! Your future husband is on the way. 🙂

    • Wandering Soul
      Posted at 04:49h, 25 November Reply

      Congrats on your upcoming anniversary! Life just started for you 🙂 Thank you for visiting and commenting .

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  • Vibrant
    Posted at 02:14h, 06 December Reply

    OMG 😀

    I had heard that Delhi girls are demanding but this demanding? lol 😀

    This is a humorous piece and I loved reading it. Now I know why you wanted me to read this one. Now I am in awe of your talents 🙂

    I still consider the golf-course one to be your best writing because it has a childlike fancy to it. Very vivid imagination.

    Have a great Sunday!

    Love and light <3

    Anand 🙂

  • Anand
    Posted at 11:02h, 08 December Reply

    Hilarious! So, did you hear back? Be assured that if he has missed this post, he has missed a rare opportunity! His loss, entirely.

    • Wandering Soul
      Posted at 11:09h, 08 December Reply

      I agree, it is his loss, though someone needs to tell him that! 😉 last i heard was that he still sleeps on the couch! 😉 😀 Thanks for visiting and commenting. appreciate your kind words. 🙂

      • Anand
        Posted at 11:32h, 08 December Reply

        I spoke nothing but the truth. Let him sleep on the couch, or even the carpet – he’ll learn to appreciate your sense of humor some more.

        • Wandering Soul
          Posted at 11:35h, 08 December Reply

          shall certainly banish him to the carpet, once he makes an appearance ! 😀

          • Anand
            Posted at 11:51h, 08 December

            You do that…he’d need space to ROFL.

  • Visakha
    Posted at 11:04h, 27 December Reply

    I don’t have an award good enough for you! :* Here take this – <3.

    • Wandering Soul
      Posted at 11:28h, 27 December Reply

      This is bigger and better than any award 🙂 thank you so much!

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  • calmkate
    Posted at 07:20h, 22 March Reply

    Wandering Soul, I appreciate your name – it brought me to your site via our comments course!
    This really made me laugh and if you have that much humour he is really missing out …
    I actually went out with a guy called Mr Wright and boy did my friends pay me out about that – Mr Wright who was so Wrong for me. I am indeed the person you have written about above, you seem to know me very well.
    thanks heaps, kate

    • Wandering Soul
      Posted at 07:24h, 22 March Reply

      Hi Kate, Thanks for visiting and commenting. 🙂

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  • Sejal Vashi
    Posted at 11:25h, 19 May Reply

    Wah wah Piyusha.. it’s slap stick and hard hitting st the same time.. “everybody and his second cousin three times removed and her hamster ” is simply hilarious.. 🙂 well done

    • Wandering Soul
      Posted at 13:01h, 19 May Reply

      Thank you, Sejal! So glad you took the time to read and comment. Thanks again 🙂

  • Mahevash
    Posted at 09:54h, 10 June Reply

    Hilarious! Loved this 🙂

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  • msaraf
    Posted at 18:02h, 05 January Reply

    This is amazing! I loved this! Am sharing 🙂

  • Ramya
    Posted at 10:56h, 05 March Reply

    This was hilarious, Piyusha!! Loved it!

    • Wandering Soul
      Posted at 13:58h, 05 March Reply

      Thank you so much, Ramya! 😊 So glad you enjoyed reading it.

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  • BellyBytes
    Posted at 06:40h, 10 September Reply

    I’m surprised Mr. Right still didn’t show up ( I assume this is a fictitious letter!) with such an endearing description of his bride-to-be….

    • Wandering Soul
      Posted at 10:42h, 10 September Reply

      Nope, he is still elusive as ever. 😀 😀

      • BellyBytes
        Posted at 11:49h, 10 September Reply

        Well…all I can say is that things happen for the best

        • Wandering Soul
          Posted at 11:55h, 10 September Reply

          Yup! Good for him that he is in hiding, else he would get a thrashing from me. 😀 😀

  • priyanka vermani
    Posted at 18:06h, 11 September Reply

    post is hilarious. publish it on a dating site. u ll get the guy!

    • Wandering Soul
      Posted at 19:52h, 12 September Reply

      Or he’ll run away forever. 😀 😀 Thank you so much! 🙂

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